My last conversation with the Universe went something like this…….
Thanks, Universe / God / Creator-entity.
I go back and forth sometimes, between “I can do it all!” and “It’s not my fault.”
This week, I’ve been in a “it’s not my fault” kind of funk. And there are things that are not my fault. I can’t control my birth circumstance, family of origin, biological traits, other people’s beliefs / actions / decisions. I can’t control history or government. I can’t control a bajillion things. I can’t control the racism or sexism I’ve experienced. I can’t control income inequality.
I can make dents in the harmful effects of all these things, but I am not the PuppetMaster.
On other weeks, not this one, I think I can tackle the world and make everything happen exactly the way I want, without regard to other peoples’ needs, or reactions towards me.
In both situations, I am always proven wrong.
So no, I can’t create 100% of any situation. But I CAN do my personal 50%. Have I been doing my 50%? I ask myself this a lot these days.
Here’s how it plays out when I lecture others…..
I just had a conversation with a guy friend the other day. He told me he’d just had a first date. He had held this girl’s hand and she expressed discomfort with it. After that, she didn’t call him again. “I think that may have been too much for her,” he said. “But I usually don’t hold people’s hands. It was unusual for me.”
“Next time, ask her if you can hold her hand,” I advised him.
“What if she says ‘no’? That would be so awkward,” he argued.
“What is more awkward – for her to say no? Or for you to like her, but not get a second date because you turned her off?”
“I don’t know,” he said.
“Then you’re placing your own fragile ego over respecting her boundaries,” I said. “Also….. if you ask for her consent, you’re making her do 50% of the work. And if she says yes, she’s bought into what’s happening. And I guarantee you’ll get a second date if you let her have a voice.”
So it’s like that. Sometimes we step forward and ask for what we need. Sometimes we step back and let the universe decide if it wants to hold our hand. But we have to be clear, respectful, and unafraid to get hurt.
You know what I really want this year? I want to finish my book and have you all read it. I know I can’t control how many of y’all beautiful people will, but I am sure going to do my 50%, so you will at least have the chance to.
How do I do 50% of the work? Here is my personal checklist:
___ Did I communicate what I wanted or needed to the most relevant, key people? Or did I vaguely reference it, hoping that they’d get I was disgruntled, and then follow up with me so I wouldn’t have to do the work?
___ Did I communicate in the appropriate way? (ie. respectfully, kindly, in a way that matches my intention)
___ Is there something left that I could have done that I have NOT yet done? (Do it!) Ex: I need to finish writing and editing this. Then I need to publicize it so you are aware of it in the world.
___ Did I hold back out of fear of rejection or failure? (Do it! With a loving heart.)
___ Did I make my boundaries clear? A timeline, an activity, or a dealbreaker of mine? Ex: “I need this by Monday 2p, otherwise_____”
___ Did I do my research and ask for help to make sure I used the best strategies to achieve my goal?
___ Did I get feedback on my plan along the way from trusted people?
___ Did I use the feedback carefully? Or did I give up? (Use the feedback! Failure teaches us lessons!)
What are your plans, y’all? What do you want to happen with the rest of your month? Year? AND…. have you done your 50% yet? What do you need to do in order to get there?