(Dear friends, please don’t be mad, I record these conversations with great affection.)
30-something Friend, to Elisa: So, I hope my [20-something] friend-with-benefits starts hooking up with other people instead of just me. He could stand to pick up a few pointers.
Elisa: What are you doing for the rest of your night?
30s Guy Friend: Probably masturbating.
Elisa: Great. Have fun.
30s Guy Friend: Actually, I’m too tired. I’ll probably just fall asleep in the middle of it.
Elisa: Wow. You’re old.
30s Friend: Single straight women in their 30’s. Oh my god. Single straight women in their 30’s are crazy. When I go to their parties, all they’re doing is talking about what they’re going to do to get laid.
Elisa: Whatever. Hanging out with single lesbians in their 30’s is exactly like hanging out with a group of 15-year old straight boys.
30s Friend: I am a 15 year old straight boy.
Elisa: …. My [24 year old] friend just told me how he tried to masturbate by sitting on his hands to make them fall asleep, but then his hands got so numb that he lost his motor skills and ended up just hitting himself in the crotch….
30s Friend who’s obviously spent a lot of time alone: Oh, tell him to sit on just one hand and use the other to move it around. Also, tell him to microwave a banana peel for 30 seconds and try that. That is AMAZING.
30s Friend: My new boyfriend is SO HOT. My new boyfriend lives at [reels off new boyfriend’s address].
Elisa: WHY are you giving me his address? Are you trying to tell me to go to his house and sleep with him?
30s Friend: Do you want to? Be my guest.
Elisa: NO, I don’t want to. I’m making fun of you for giving me his address. I just think it’s really weird that’s it’s the second thing you told me about him.
30s Friend: Seriously, do you want to? You have my blessing.
* Goodbye, anxiety over the meaning of sex.
* Goodbye, male sexual stamina.
* Also, it could also just be that many of my friends are hoes, and some of this doesn’t correspond with age at all.