And, off we go into Tips #4-6!
4. Stroke her brain before her body.
I say more about how specifically to stroke your partner’s brain in #6. But let’s separate tit from tat for a second.
Despite what your favorite porno might depict, most women do not have orgasms, or even get excited by, the following actions:
~ seeing a man’s erect penis
~ instantly having sex with a penis without foreplay
~ giving a man a blow job at a grocery store (or alley, or street, or wherever)
~ having you randomly paw at her body because YOU get off on it, as opposed to because you are trying to arouse HER
If you are trying to get her to fall in love with you IN BED, you must first turn on her brain. Tell her how you feel about her. Appreciate her inside and out. Describe her through your eyes. Tell her why she is so beautiful to you.
When you’ve done all of that, start the making out. And, although I already said it in Tip #2 and #3…….. keep sharpening those bedroom skills.….. because unless you can make her orgasm on-the-regular, using a variety of your body parts? You need practice, my dear.
5. Make your bed a wonderful place to be.
Long ago, someone I was interested in was likewise interested in me. One night, this person offered to take me home on the subway after we’d hung out all evening with a group of friends.
“How will YOU get home if you take me home?” I asked him. “The subway will be shut down by then.” To which he politely smiled and bashfully shrugged.
And then I realized two things: 1. this was our opportunity to get together, and 2. my toilet had broken down that morning.
I mean…. my toilet was REALLY broken. I’ll say no more about this and just let you imagine the disaster.
In short, I had to reluctantly reject this guy (who took it personally), simply because the area around my bed was NOT a pleasant place to be.
Moral of the story: Make your bed (and surroundings) a pleasant place to be. You don’t need to be spic-and-span, or anal-retentively organized, but here are some basic tips……
~ try not to have a twin bed
~ there should be a clear pathway from door to bed
~ there should be no visible spots or stains on your sheets
~ most importantly…. have a working toilet. Please.
Bonus points: Make your bedroom smell good. Wash your sheets. Play some music. Light some candles.
6. Respond — respectfully and kindly — to everything your partner says at least 87% of the time.
The Gottmans, the world’s leading researchers on relationships, discuss the concept of partners “making bids” for attention and validation in order to connect with each other.
In their research, they found that they could predict divorce rates of couples based upon observing who ignored, blew-off, or passively supported their partners when the other made a “bid for attention.” Couples that succeeded were able to build a strong foundation of kindness through the smallest actions. Here’s more on what a bid for attention looks like. And here’s an excerpt from The Atlantic:
“For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
“The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.”
In summary: Make your partner more important than your phone. Celebrate your partner’s achievements (no matter how big or small) with them. Say “thank you” often. Reply to all of their emails and text messages, even if it’s just in 1 sentence. Honor the little things your partner says with a kind remark, no matter how boring or petty their remark may seem. If you see them trying hard in bed, reciprocate that with a kind word — or better — a kind action IN BED. “Turn towards” your partner!
* NOTE: Do not conflate “kind” with “falsely positive.” It is possible to say something critical and constructive, but in a kind way.
Example- “I feel really upset when you bring up the things I’ve done in the past, even after I’ve apologized. Is there a reason you are doing this?” vs. “You’re just trying to make me feel bad! I hate hearing you talk endlessly!”
Kindness will “up” your percentage in making this relationship work. And while I can’t promise it? I am 87% certain that she will fall in love with you!
The way we do 1 thing is the way we do everything!
The good news about this statement?
If we can CHANGE the way we do 1 thing, that will in turn change the way we do everything.
Work on the way you behave in bed, and you will be a better person outside of bed. If you can learn to ask for feedback in bed, you can learn to experience feedback in your relationship. If you can give without expectations in bed, you can give selflessly in your relationship.
And moreover, the way we do 1 thing can influence the way we do everything. If she can fall in love with you in bed? She will fall in love with you outside of bed, too.
Good luck out there, in bed and in love!