You just started to roll around in bed with a woman whose heart you want to win over. How do you show her that you are the incredible man that you believe you are?
Let me tell you something.
Although San Francisco doesn’t have much rain, one thing that does fall from the sky is penises. I, like most other women in the City, often carry my dick-umbrella along with me when I run errands.
Dick falls from the sky. If penises could cure California’s drought, we’d fill our swimming pools with fresh water each day. Penis falls at such a rapid rate that I could decorate my entire house with new bouquets of penises each day. And, if I wanted, I could create a multi-million-dollar sex-tape empire, starring Elisa + All the Dicks in her life.
But I don’t want to do this.
I, like most heterosexual women, would rather be with a man — not a penis.
What is the difference between the two? A man shows you consideration. A man is kind and caring. A man can show you he cares. A penis doesn’t do any of these things.
AND………… since the way we do 1 thing reflects the way we do everything…………….. a man shows you that he cares IN BED.
How do you pave the way for a woman to fall in love with you? You start with the basics — Building trust and creating excitement (in this case, in bed) -aka- the Gatekeepers to love.
[When you’re done with this post, Tips #4-6 are here.] But let’s start with the first 3 steps.
1. Back to the Basics…… Respect her sexual boundaries in bed.
If she’s a breathing, sexually-active, heterosexual woman, she’s crossed paths with tons of dicks who’ve tried to talk her into having sex when she didn’t want it with them.
Heterosexual guys, you have a choice: You can be just another dick who only is looking out for his own needs. OR, you can be a man and stand out from the crowd by looking out for hers.
If this amazing woman is choosing to be with you, chances are she is hoping YOU are not some random dick. Therefore, if you want her to see you as a worthy partner, don’t fuck it up. Don’t be a dick. Stand out as a man by proving to her you respect and care about what she wants, in bed.
Here are some things you can say, and do.
~ SAY: “How do you feel about sex? How long does it take you to feel comfortable having it?” DO: Listen carefully and say “Thank you for telling me.” Whatever you do in bed, respect what she has told you.
~ SAY: “How far are you comfortable going with me (in bed)?” DO: Listen to her and do not surpass what she has said at any point while in bed with her.
~ SAY [while in bed with her]: “Can I __________ [ fill in the blank with what you’re asking for consent for, ie. take off your shirt, touch you, etc. ] ?” DO: Only what she says “yes” to.
Awesome True Story: My first love was also the first person to ever ask for my consent in bed, a la example #3, which was the first reason I fell in love with him. The way we do one thing reflects the way we do everything! And the way we do 1 thing certainly influences everything else, in this case for the best.
A Less-Awesome True Story: Once I got into an argument with my friend’s big brother, who insisted he didn’t need or want to do any of these above examples. His argument: “Talking about sex?? You should just DO it. Talking about sex kills the mood!“
Pop Quiz Question: What “kills the mood in sex” EVEN MORE than talking about sex?
Pop Quiz Answers:
(a) Destroying the trust of a woman you like.
(b) Accidentally raping someone because you have not asked for consent.
** Edit: If you really, really, really need sexual intercourse in a relationship and this woman isn’t ready…… AND you don’t want to wait…… here’s what to do. Very kindly and lovingly tell her, “I think you’re amazing,” explain your situation, and exit immediately in case she feels pressured into changing her mind just for you. In other words — if intercourse is a non-negotiable deal-breaker for you? Find someone ELSE who wants to have it with you. It’s OK to want sex, but it’s not OK to push it with someone who isn’t ready for it.
2. Your new slogan is this: “Nice guys finish last.”
Generally speaking, men get off easily. Women’s bodies are harder to understand. Therefore, women do not easily have orgasms during sexual intercourse whereas men do. This leads to orgasm inequality.**
Orgasm inequality will drag your beautiful relationship out to an ugly, horrible death. Orgasm inequality quickly replaces the love the orgasm-less partner has with resentment towards you: You don’t notice me. You don’t care about what I want. You only care about yourself.
Do you want this woman to fall in love with you? Show her these thoughts are not true. You DO care about what she wants and needs! Show her through your actions IN BED. She will fall in love with you if you take care of her needs before you take care of yours. And one way to do this is to start with Orgasm Equality.
DO: Learn to give oral sex really, really, really well.
DO: Learn how to manually stimulate her really, really, really well.
ABSOLUTELY 100% DO: Stimulate her to an orgasm before sexual intercourse.
Bonus Points! Double-Down: Stimulate her after sexual intercourse, too. Don’t fall asleep, or leap out of bed in order to start your day after you ejaculate. Doubling down firmly puts you on the side of being a Gentleman. Gentlemen never do anything to imply, “Well, I got mine. So since I’m satisfied, we’re done.” Only dicks do that.
** BEGINNER’S TIP: Start with 15-min practice sessions each time you make out. This takes the pressure off “succeeding in giving her an orgasm” by instead putting a satisfying time limit on it. But, practice it EVERY SINGLE TIME WITHOUT FAIL.
** A footnote, by the way: If your female partner says to you, “It’s okay if I don’t have an orgasm” while having sex with you, I will bet you my brand-new “back massager” that she is lying to you. She is lying to you because she believes you don’t know how to give her an orgasm, or that you don’t care enough to.
So if your girl is saying “It’s okay” to you? She may very well mean, “Your skills are really sub-par. But I am trying to be nice about it.”
The Moral: Start practicing, my man. Practice makes perfect. Practice creates orgasm equality. Nice guys finish last. Read on for how to do better in your practice…………………..
3. Ask for feedback in bed.
Big Bird, my favorite childhood Sesame Street character, once said, “We can ALL improve, so ask for feedback in order to please your woman in bed.”
Just kidding, he didn’t say that. But Big Bird dropped a lot of wisdom, so I think he’d agree.
Every partner is different, and this new, amazing, beautiful woman you are with has a different body than the one before her. Don’t be so arrogant that you can’t admit you don’t know something. Men set aside their egos for their women, so learn what she likes.
Here are some feedback-soliciting questions you can ask….
~ “Do you want me to go slower or faster? Harder or softer?”
~ “Can I do anything differently?”
~ “Where can I touch you?”
~ “Will you show me how to do this?”
** TIP: Don’t tell her, “I want to make you have an orgasm.” That puts too much pressure on her. Small, focused questions take the pressure off the woman to “perform” and gives you better information to work with anyway.
** Another footnote, by the way: If your skills are lagging, but you are obviously putting in effort and asking for feedback, don’t stress out! Your obvious efforts and care will get you a very long way in winning the heart of an awesome woman who really likes you. Caution — however, if you still can’t do it for her, DON’T ask her to do it for you. This includes not having your own orgasm while making out until you can do it consistently for her. (Remember: Orgasm Inequality is the leading cause of killing new-relationships-in-bed.)
Bonus Points x 1,248,125! Learn to be a True Gentleman: If your woman-friend asks you to do something differently in bed, say “THANK YOU for telling me.” Here it is again:
“THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME.”
Women are taught never to ask for what they need. By encouraging her to ask for what she needs, you are making her feel comfortable with you. You are making her feel important. You are showing that you care. (By the way, this also works really well outside of bed.)
The way we do 1 thing reflects the way we do everything.
If you are respectful, thoughtful, and caring IN BED, this amazing woman you are with will grow to trust and love you outside of bed. And that will become an integral part of your everyday relationship.
If you ignore these 3 basic steps, you will be acting self-centered in bed, and this amazing woman will resent you outside of bed. And your selfishness will destroy her trust in you, which will then quickly ruin your chances at winning her love.
Dicks act self-centered with women in bed. Dicks care only about meeting their own needs.
Men act respectfully, thoughtfully, and caring towards women in bed. Men care about meeting the needs of their partners.
Women want to fall in love with a man, not a dick.
Make her love you. Make her keep falling in love with you.
Don’t be a dick. Be a man.
Here are your first 3 steps. It’s never too late to start.
Pass it on, y’all. Or, add your own advice below.
PPS: “Elisa, I’m a man, but I have acted like a dick!” Here’s a tutorial on apologizing written by a buddy of mine. Here’s one on ways to earn trust back. While you may lose her anyway, it’s never too late to try and become the man you want to be.