First, I acknowledge the irony of writing and publishing this post on the day it’s due. I’ve been MIA from this blog lately– I’ve been busy living up to the title of this article.
Usually, I write posts based upon what I’ve learned in efforts to help others avoid my mistakes. Recently, it’s crossed my mind that: what if I’m just totally delusional? And I’ve learned nothing? Also, why do I assume everyone wants to learn? What about people who don’t care to grow? Well, here’s the perfect post for you.
How to escape acting like an adult: an incomplete guide
1. Think like a boxer when it comes to obligations: Bob and weave. Preferably find someone else to deflect punches towards.
Know what I did at work on Tuesday? I watched every YouTube video ever sent to me or posted by a Facebook friend over the past few weeks. I didn’t even have a fake work document up to feign I was getting shit done. I didn’t even bother to put in headphones as I listened to Adele singing car karaoke and Kevin Hart joking about “selling his ass” on the streets.
Later that afternoon, my colleague brought up one of my co-workers in casual talk, someone who had just dropped the ball on a deadline.
“What the hell DOES she do, anyway?” I interrupted, acting indignant about the world in which I work my ass off and my colleague does nothing.
This is a classic “bob and weave.” If I point out all YOUR problems, maybe you won’t notice what I’m not doing! It works really well.
It’s a fantastic step in NOT being a mature, thoughtful person.
2. Constantly complain you want things to happen while simultaneously doing nothing to make them happen.
Here is an excerpt of my To-do List RIGHT NOW. Note that my List has been the same everyday for the past month.
1. put car registration sticker on car
2. write 1000 words on my novel revision
How long does item #1 take?
About 30 seconds.
How long does item #2 take?
A lot longer.
Guess what I did when I got home yesterday? …….Did you guess, “Watch YouTube videos for 7 more hours”? If so, you win!
Either way, nothing on that To-do List changed.
After watching every cat-falling-from-a-counter and Justin Bieber lip sync video the internet has to offer, I texted my friend this exact message.
“I want to quit my job because it isn’t giving me the time I need to work on my novel.”
Yep. That’s what I said!
Basically, I am the Non-white Oscar nominee for “Biggest complainer who does nothing to change her life.”
3. Prioritize feeling special over treating people well.
I’ve been single for several months now. Lately, I’ve been asked on a rash of dates by random guys I encounter at a music venue, house party, friend gathering, and whatever. I’ve accepted maybe half in the past month, about four. Because, first: I have so much time leftover after watching YouTube videos and not-revising my novel. Second: why not? Third: I feel so special when I get asked out by attractive people. There’s nothing wrong with any of this.
The problem comes after the date, when I have found myself, in ALL situations, in the “You’re cool and I’d actually totally hang out with you as a friend. Except I don’t have any romantic interest in you” mindset.
So, what does an adult do? Well, I’ve written about being honest in this blog many times (read this: 10 things to say when you don’t want to hang out with someone). Obviously, I KNOW what to do.
But the truth is, I worry these people won’t want to hang out if they know I’m not “into” them. And quite frankly, I like the ego boost of being pursued. Basically, I want to feel special.
I’m being so honest right now that I realize I sound like a total asshole.
So while the adult route would be to tell the truth, I’ve instead been texting ambiguously worded replies like, “Yeah, I really liked meeting you! We should totally hang out again!”
Yep. That’s a true story. If you want to be like me, and escape acting like an adult, do this: prioritize your feelings of wanting to be “special” over other people’s real, actual emotions.
On the other hand, if you want to be someone who treats others well? Be honest, be kind, be specific, be proactive.
Now that I’ve finished this blog post, please excuse me…… there’s someone I need to have a real, actual conversation with. And maybe that person is myself. Or, maybe…. wait. Excuse me. There’s a kitten video I need to watch, one in which the kitten is stuck in a box? Have you seen it yet?