(By the way, the above is a quote and picture of Margaret Cho. The first time I heard her tell that joke was at the San Francisco Pride Parade a loooong time ago, and I almost died.)
This acquaintance I once had was a serious hoe. Once, he text messaged both me and my friend at 4am to ask what we were doing. It was probably a mass text.
Regardless, I really admired his style. He managed to be sincere and honest in his approach.
So….. what made him a hoe with integrity? I write these guidelines with his golden lessons in mind.
1. Be honest with the other person. Tell them what you are looking for, which is to say, a casual fling. Do not lie about being single if you’re not, or say you are in love, just so you can have sex with someone.
Also, even though it is obvious….. Do not use alcohol to get sex from someone. That is dishonest and disgusting. That is not you. You are awesome because you are a hoe with integrity.
2. Be honest with yourself. Not everyone is equipped to separate sex from their feelings of love. Not everyone is equipped to separate sex from their intellect. For example, you might have religious beliefs that cause self-judgment if you were to have a fling. Or you might get highly attached when you make out with someone. That is OK!
But you gotta be honest with yourself. If any of the above is you, think twice before you try to have a Friend with Benefits. Or multiple FWB’s. Or a 1-night stand.
By the way: Being comfortable with the idea of casual sex is not the same thing as wanting it. Just because you are open-minded and not-judgmental does not mean it is right for you. So be honest with yourself!
3. Do not force rules on your FWB that you yourself are not following. Are you sleeping with multiple people at once? If so, it should be OK if they do the same thing. Are you avoiding introducing them to your parents? If so, it should be OK if they do the same thing.
4. It’s OK to change your mind. Nothing stays the same, especially not you. If you fall in love, you can either break it off or ask for more (if they say “no,” it will hurt, but at least you will know). If you decide you can’t stand them, you can back out.
** NOTE: If you change your mind and you want to break it off, don’t be a jackass about it. See #6.
5. You never need a reason to say “NO.” Just because you are sleeping around doesn’t mean you don’t have standards. You have a right to have sex with someone who you believe is kind, considerate, and attractive. You have a right to choose. You have a right to consent.
6. Break it off respectfully. Don’t disappear. Don’t make up a problem just to find a reason to break it off. When it’s done, it’s done. Let them know.
7. And, a Bonus Tip: Choose wisely. Use your good judgment. If you run in a small circle of friends, don’t choose someone in the circle to have a fling with. Don’t sleep with the best friend of your ex. You get the picture. Some sex will cause more drama than it is worth.
Finally, if you’re actually looking for a meaningful relationship, you might want to read my post on sleeping with someone on the first date instead.
PS: (I’ve noticed lately I’ve been writing a lot about sex & break-ups. I think it’s escapism from the tragedies in the news lately.)