7 pickup lines to use on that cute, smart, funny stranger in the club.

creative pickup lines

The first guy who approached me at the club told me he was attracted to my “strength and beauty.”  The second guy found out I was from San Francisco, and then mentioned he really wanted someone to show him around town.  Three times.  Finally, when the third guy who approached me told me I was a “powerful dancer,” I realized something was up. 

3 Principles of Being a Drought Vegetarian

drought vegetarian

* Definition of Drought Vegetarian: Someone who is vegetarian due to fact raising livestock requires vast quantities of California’s precious water and we are suffering a drought.

My singular, drought-vegetarian existence took an upturn when I hung out with my buddy Sam this past Saturday.  Sam is a born-again vegan — in his second life of veganism, he is a drought vegan. *

In my euphoria over finding a like-minded soul, I pen the following 3 official ** principles of drought vegetarian/veganism.

1.  SOME conservation is better than NO conservation. 

You do not need to be a purist, obsessively tracking ingredients in every food choice.  You do not need to write down the entire stir-fry recipe at the restaurant to see if there are any bone-derived, meat-derived chemicals used to make more spices that might have

5 things you should really, really know when you move to the Bay Area

AKA: A short list written by a Bay Area native/snob

Since I am not tech-savvy, I am going to describe in words what I would have in animated gifs if I were to do this a la Buzzfeed listicle.

it's it ice cream

1.  It’s It ice cream.
How do you go wrong with two cookies and ice cream dipped in chocolate?
Also, how was that previous question even a real question?  (It wasn’t.)

Animated gif: Me, twirling in a dress of It’s Its while simultaneously eating one It’s It of each flavor (that’s 5 total, including the elusive strawberry and pumpkin).

recycling bins sf

2. How to properly recycle in a freaking recycling bin.  Yes, we have to e-waste some stuff.  But MOST of our waste can go into 2 of the Holy Trinity: Compost and Recycling.

*Tip: Styrofoam or plastic film like bags or sandwich wrap go in the trash.

Animated gif: My New York transplant, next-door neighbor throwing a half-eaten bag of Doritos into the compost.  Me, pulling the bag out, dumping the Doritos (chips) into the compost and then making him wear the Doritos (bag) as a dunce hat.

The best non-environmentalist, non-animal-loving, non-religious reason to go vegetarian (IMHO)

drought vegetarian

My recent switch to vegetarianism has a lot to do with this line:

“That was FIVE MINUTES OF WATER.”

This is what my very frugal Dad would shout at me as a kid, when I ran out of the bathroom with my wet hair streaming. “You need to get your showers down to TWO. California is in a drought. Water costs money. TWO MINUTES! Your goal should be to take SIXTY SECOND showers.”

I’ve read about royalty in history who feasted on decadent foods while kingdoms fall into starvation. Or, royalty who used their last drops of water to shower instead of drink. Dad would be the King doing the mathematical calculations to make sure this never happened.

Many years past my childhood, it still isn’t raining in California. It doesn’t rain to the point that by now, you will have read the article by the NASA scientist that states that California has one year of water left before we go dry.

And while I’ve now mastered the art of an effortless 2-minute shower, I’ve recently learned that my short showers will not do much to alleviate our impending water shortage as long as I keep…. that’s right…….

Dear Parents of a Middle Class Child

** This week, here is a different kind of relationship post… the parenting post…. **

Dear Parents of Middle Class Child,

You came into my office today upset.  Why?  Because your son was marked down 1 point on a 50 point assignment for not adding a title to a presentation.

“That’s so petty” you said to me.  “You never told the kids they needed titles.”  (This was untrue – also, how would you know what I said in class?  But that’s besides the point).  You said that this -1 point deduction proved that I was “picking on” your son.

Married and Flirting: The New Monogamy of (My) San Francisco

“You’re so beautiful,” the guy said, sitting down next to me in Dolores Park.  “I just had to come over and tell you.”  He extended his hand.

When I shook his hand in return, he hung onto it.

At that point, a girl walked up the hill.  She glanced at me, kissed the guy with sunglasses on the forehead, and just as quickly, walked off.

“Come over whenever you’re done,” she informed him.  The guy turned to me.

“That’s my wife,” he said.  “Do you think she’s cute?”

*