1. Eat half a pound of fudge that you’d intended to give as a gift to your hosts.
2. Every eight minutes, try to reboot the mini television at your seat, which has been scrolling code for the past three hours.
3. Call the attendant once per hour to ask her to fix the TV.
4. Eat an apple. Put the core into a plastic water cup filled with ice. Let time pass. Eat the core, out of boredom. Drink the melted ice as an afterthought.
5. Try to access the so-called “in flight wireless network” to download an ebook. Continue to reload blank pages every eight minutes, after each attempt to reboot the television. Fail to download ebook (obviously). Keep on trying (obviously).
6. Vie for armrest space with the guy next to you, who seems to think that letting his elbows wing out like a chicken is the best, most comfortable reclining position. Insert a pillow between your arms and his in order to avoid direct contact with him.
7. Sing a Justin Bieber song under your breath. Realize you only know two lines. Sing the two lines over and over, as quietly as possible.
8. Try to do hip opening stretches without stabbing the guy next to you with your knee. Upon further thought, decide stabbing him with your knee is good retribution for the fact he’s been hogging the whole armrest. Attempt to takeover the leg space between your seats with aforementioned stretch.
9. Try to sleep, but actually keep humming the Justin Bieber song the whole time (with eyes closed).
10. Compose texts to people that you will send when you arrive. Revise the texts in your head.
Repeat until landing.
PS: Sorry for my absence from this blog! I just finished the second draft of my novel last week. It was insanity, and involved taking time off work in order to finish it.
PPS: I’m also going through an existential crisis. You can expect many oblique references to it in future blog posts.
PPPS: You’re the best.
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